This was the first night we had been together completely alone. Everyone else was miles away, probably at some party, blown out of their minds. Even if I were to call one of them, they wouldn’t be able to get back to me. Not now. It was 1:30a.m. We had just finished our 2nd bowl and started smoking a cigarette. Ciggy’s always boosted my highs. Just something about the smoke and the way it fills your lungs, burning your throat a bit. The light buzz seems so much heavier when your high. I put my lips around the filter, took a drag, and pictured my mouth around his dick. When I blew the smoke out, slowly, pursing my lips more than I should, I looked at him. He was watching everything I was doing. Just quietly sitting there, staring at me, with his eyes puffy as fuck. I stared back.
“What?”
“Nothing”, he chuckled, letting his head drop, breaking our gaze.
“No, really…what?”, nudging his shoulder. He looked back, finding my eyes again.
“I just really wanna kiss you right now”, he said, without hesitance.
“Hmm”, is all I could say. I think he heard my heart pounding because he laughed.
“But I won’t.” He sighed, looking out into the parking lot.
After what seemed like forever, I finally got the courage to ask him.
“Why not?”
“Do you want me to?”, he said without letting a second pass.
He waited expectantly while I thought about this. The idea of his lips pressed hard against mine gave me goosebumps all over. The parking lot was so quiet this time of night. Not the usual commotion and chaos. There were a few people at the very far end of the lot sitting in a car with the light on. They were probably smoking, like we were. It was a full moon tonight with some clouds here and there. It was probably freezing outside, but I was too high to tell. And with Leo’s jacket around me, I didn’t care if there was a blizzard outside. I took a long breath, my lungs too numb to feel the cold.
“Yes.”
“Do you really want me to?”
“Yes. Very much so.”
That’s when I finally looked up at him. He had this serious look on his face. His eyes moved from my eyes, to my lips, then to my hair. He played with the tips of my hair a little, then ran his fingers over my chapped lips. I licked a few times, hating myself for forgetting to put chapstick on. I was pretty sure it was in my purse somewhere in my car, but I couldn’t remember. He pulled his fingers back and chuckled again.
“Ugh, what are you laughing at?”, I asked, smiling too.
“Nothing.”
I hated it when he did that.
“I just hate this fucking place. My boss won’t give me that stupid raise.”
“Well, don’t you make a lot of money being a dealer and all?”, I asked, annoyed that he had changed the subject.
“It’s alright.” He shrugged. “But some of my friends keep getting caught with that shit. I’m thinking about quitting.”
“But you’re the best. You can’t get caught”, I said, grinning and batting my eyelashes.
“You’re cute.” He smiled. “We should get going though. It’s getting really cold and I have some assholes waiting on me.” His face changed suddenly back to serious.
“Umm..alright.”
Standing up was hard to do. Driving was going to be even more interesting. I got my keyes out from the pouch of my sweater. They felt so tiny in my hands.
After putting his weed and pipe away, he stood up too. He was so tall.
“Woah, got the spins.” He smiled, his little teeth looking so white in the darkness.
I started towards my car, which was right next to his. (car) He followed.
“I feel like I’m walking on clouds”, he said.
“Seriously.” I couldn’t help but laugh. He looked like a man on the moon. There was no gravity. We floated with every step.
When we reached the cars, I turned to face him and leaned against my car.
“Those guys are definitely getting high right now”, he said, noticing the car at the end of the lot. I just stared at his eyes, which were glowing. They moved so quickly from the car back to my eyes, as if he didn’t want to loose my attention for one second. He would never loose my attention. I looked down at my feet.
“Hot boxin’ it.” I started to get impatient, thinking that he would never kiss me. He never said he would. He just asked if I wanted him to. And I did so badly. Right now. No one else mattered. Not Christine, Leo’s “amazing” girlfriend, whom I had never met. Not Caroline. Not my parents back in California, who were probably sitting on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond while drinking hot tea. No one. I yawned.
“You tired?”
“Yeah, I worked all day today and didn’t get much sleep.” I managed to say, then yawned again. I wondered if it was because of the weed.
He pulled out another cigarette. Now I was really impatient.
“Well, I’m gonna get going.”
“You work tomorrow?”
“Yup”, I sighed, thinking about all the stupid people I’d have to deal with tomorrow.
He hadn’t lit the cigarette yet
“Cool. I’ll probably stop by or something. Drop off some stogies for the minor here.”
“Hey, not for long.” He must’ve thought I was a child. How embarressing.
“Give me a hug, kid.” He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a loose hug.
His cologne smelled so good. As we pulled away from each other, he leaned in and kissed me suddenly, dropping his cigarette. His lips were soft but he pressed hard against mine. His hands were gentle. He slowly slid them around my waist and pulled me closer to him. I opened my mouth, letting his tongue in. The taste of bud and cigarettes filled my mouth. I couldn’t believe we were actually doing this. I quickly started moving my tongue at the same pace he was. He was rough, but our flow was nice. My body was tingling all over. High off of his kiss and the weed. HIs breathing got heavier with every movement of our tongues. Not knowing what to do with my hands, I put it around his neck and started playing with the back of his hair. It was gelled and spiked up, poking the palms of my hands. I thought of a porcupine. He moaned after taking another heavy breath. I figured he liked that, so I pulled harder. He moaned again. Hearing him like that made my knees shake. He moved his hands below my waist, grabbing my ass. I gasped and put my arms down. He took a step back and looked at me skeptically.
“I’m sorry”, he said, almost sounding like a question.
“No, it’s fine. This is just my first time, that’s all”, I said, trying to catch my breath.
My heart was pounding so fast, I could feel my blood pulsating throughout my body.
“I know. I’m sorry. You should go”, he said looking down. “Before I do bad things to you.”
My eyes opened wide and all I could do was smile, awkwardly.
“Okay.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good.”
He picked up the cigarette he had dropped. He got into his car and rolled the window down. I walked up to him.
“I’ll just see you tomorrow, then”, he said, then leaned out to give me a quick, but soft peck.
“Mmkay.” Not wanting him to leave, I kissed him again.
He sighed and shook his head, then lit his cigarette as he backed out of the parking lot.
~
I stood there for a few minutes, running everything through my head again and again. I just couldn’t grasp the idea that an older and much more attractive guy would want to be with me. Or kiss me. Of course, I had been wanting to do that with him for the longest time. I never thought that his feelings were mutual. It was comforting and yet discomforting at the same time. Discomforting because I had just made out with Leo; the dark, shady, and more importantly, unavailable drug dealer. Nothing about that sentence was comforting. But at that moment, I didn’t care. I felt dirty, wrong, sexy, horny, and uneasy all at the same time. I hopped into the Bug and turned the radio on. Neil Youngs, “Don’t Let it Bring You Down”, was playing. I felt so out of place in my car. Everything looked so different. Like nothing was mine. I found my purse and put my chapstick on. Reminder: Always put chapstick on. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to sit here and dream all night about kissing Leo’s lips. But I knew I had to come down from this high sometime. I sighed, too, as I put my car in reverse. I left the parking lot, leaving behind our clouds, with the taste of bud and cigarettes in my mouth.
